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You encourage her to go and have a good time, since you know it's been a while since she's gone out with friends, but the effort feels futile since you know that she isn't going to go without you.\n\n A couple hours later the two of you find yourselves in a familiar position: on the couch, watching comedy shows on Netflix, a box of pizza open on the coffee table in front of you.As you look across the couch at her, you start to feel anxious.Worst of all, this nagging fear has made you feel more self-conscious than ever, withdrawing ever inwards, and you've started to pull away even from Alex herself.\n\n What do you do?\n\n\n\n Despite your partner's pleas, you tell Alex you're unable to make it to the party tonight. I just hope you feel better soon, I really miss you.\n\n A bright clear day is giving way to a still, temperate evening.You can hear your coworkers all around you anxiously making plans for their evenings and weekends, but you're really looking forward to just going home and resting after what's turned out to be a very long and taxing work week.\n\n Just before the end of your shift, you get a call from Alex.A few of your online friends invite you to play a game with them, but the prospect of having to talk, let alone cooperate with other people seems incredibly unpleasant.
You tentatively tell her that you're emotionally exhausted from the work week and a social outing like that would just take too much out of you today.It was an accepted risk of the decision not to tell her, but you're starting to feel like you made the wrong choice and that too much has happened to bring it up now.Though you don't fault her for it, when she expects you to act like a normal person who isn't grappling with a mental illness and you're unable to, it deeply hurts you.\n\n//"I..."// you start to speak but the words choke in your throat. \n\n//"I think we should break up..."// the words feel foreign as you speak them, as if they were a collection of sounds rather than the death knell for your relationship.You sink resignedly into your couch and start playing videogames, but you can't seem to focus on what's happening on-screen.You cycle through a few different games, but tonight everything seems either too tedious or too aggravating for you to play for more than a few minutes.
In your mind, it was always her that left you, not the other way around.\n\n Soon enough, both of you are in tears as you talk through it. \n\n The reality hits you over the next few days, and you spiral into a very deep low.